Sunday, November 06, 2011

What I wish

Everyone is sleeping and the house is quiet. It is nice. Very. Nice.
I have had lots of thoughts this week. Aside from the normal thoughts I mean. These are deep seeded thoughts. Well, they are taking root at least so we will see if it will turn into a beautiful garden or a disastrous jungle. And perhaps this is a post that should not be so publicly shared but, I feel like going public. So I am.

Some of my thoughts are along the lines of "I am a crappy mom" and  "I could be a much better wife" and "Once again I fail at being a proper friend and sister and aunt and niece and granddaughter etc.... "

I think "I shouldn't lose my temper" and "I should cook healthier foods" and "So what if I am on my 5th kit kat!"

I also think "There is so much hurt in the world. Why?!" or "How can I be ok with bringing in a child into a world like ours?" and even "what is the future going to be for my daughter and son?"

it frightens me. War, food shortages, how the media is so NAUGHTY, and how to find peace in it all. But I do. I find peace. I am given moments of great happiness and remembrance of times where I know I am loved by my Savior.
Like at Girls Camp when I was 13 and lonely and awkward
In High School where I left the popular crowd as a sophomore becuase they were mean girls.
On my mission where I spent an hour in the shower late one night just sobbing
Or putting my screaming newborn on the floor to go back to the bedroom to pray and figure out why I wanted a child so much.

In these times I have felt so loved and cared for by my Heavenly Father and my Savior. And it didn't matter what happened in the future because it was these moments that carried my through the other really hard times

Like my first heartbreak. And second. And third.
Or not getting into the college I wanted
and having to uproot myself entirely twice in a 12 month period.

A few months ago was General Conference. I was expecting a sort-of-gloom-and-doom response. Instead, it was hope. So much hope and faith and confidence. One of my most favorites is from President Packer.


With all that is going on in the world, with the lowering of moral standards, you young people are being raised in enemy territory.
We know from the scriptures that there was a war in heaven and that Lucifer rebelled and, with his followers, “was cast out into the earth.”2 He is determined to disrupt our Heavenly Father’s plan and seeks to control the minds and actions of all. This influence is spiritual, and he “is abroad in the land.”3
But despite the opposition, trials, and temptations, you need not fail or fear.
When I was 17, about ready to graduate from high school as a very average student with some handicaps, as I thought, everything around us came apart one Sunday morning. The next day we were called to the high school auditorium. On the stage was a chair with a small radio. The principal switched on the radio. We then heard the voice of President Franklin Delano Roosevelt as he announced that Pearl Harbor had been bombed. The United States was at war with Japan.
Later that scene was repeated. Again the voice of President Roosevelt, this time announcing that our country was at war with Germany. World War II had exploded across the world.
All at once our future was uncertain. We did not know what was ahead. Would we live to get married and have a family?
Today there are “wars and rumors of wars, and the whole earth [is] in commotion.”4 You, our youth, may feel uncertainty and insecurity in your lives. I want to counsel you and teach you and give you a warning about some things to do and some things not to do.
The gospel plan is “the great plan of happiness.”5 The family is the center of that plan.
You must learn to “trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.”15 You must be trustworthy and surround yourself with friends who desire to be likewise.
Sometimes you might be tempted to think as I did from time to time in my youth: “The way things are going, the world’s going to be over with. The end of the world is going to come before I get to where I should be.” Not so! You can look forward to doing it right—getting married, having a family, seeing your children and grandchildren, maybe even great-grandchildren.
If you will follow these principles, you will be watched over and protected and you yourself will know by the promptings of the Holy Ghost which way to go, for “by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.”16
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What I wish for is perspective. For faith and hope. For the ability to go beyond myself and reach as my Savior has. I wish to remember how valued I am by those in my life and not let "Scrwetape" make me believe otherwise. There will always be trials, almost unbearable hardship, and suffering. I will most likely always not get everything done I want to or  become the near-perfect anything. But that's ok. I think it is the journey that matters more. To know that my daughter sees me trying. That my husband trusts me. And that, above all, I matter to Him. 
find it HERE
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and I thought I would toss in a few old photos for kicks. Don't judge. These are the un-edited verson
 I have no idea so don't ask. I also thought I woudl look cute with hair like Halle Barry and it dyed red. 
A picture of an old mission picture. This is who I came out with. Oh the memories. 




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