I have a bucket list.
Oh, you do too?
I like lists. McKay told me recently that I am someone who always needs a goal. I was like "uhm... isn't that everyone?" I mean, seriously though, everyone has a list i think. Most everyone has goals as well.
(okay, stay with me, this will all tie together in the end... i hope)
A few days ago I got a phone call. It was a dear friend of mine and during our small talk and "real" talk, the heart of the issue came out.==="maybe you don't feel like this but I feel so stagnant. Like, I do things all day but at the end of the day I feel like i didn't accomplish anything"
"Amen sister" I thought to myself
Fast forward a few days and I had another conversation with a friend about the SAME THING! This feeling of getting it all done and thriving.
About a week later, I got an email asking me how I stay calm and keep it all together.
It was about this time that I was feeling quite like a fraud. Because I really don't get that much done. And I don't feel calm and put together a lot of times. But, I do have some tips... like how my hubby is always on trash duty (taking out the trash is a boy job... more on that later)
I also get to be "off-duty" on the weekends. That means no diapers will be changed by me, no children will be bathed by me and I can sit and read all day and not feel guilty if I want to. (also, more on that later)
I have really great friends and neighbors, a fabulous support group and I rely heavily on them
But I am not going to sell myself short because there is one thing that I LOVE. And its a spreadsheet I have. I printed it out, laminated it and hung it on the fridge.
Its my mommy bible of sorts. With it, I feel empowered, in control, and calm even. Each day is assigned only one room to clean, what we are going to eat and even the activity that day. We like Tuesdays because we make cookies on Tuesdays. I only do laundry on Monday. We have pancakes 3x a week.
I know that there really is so much more to finding peace to "that feeling." Its similar to the one I had when I didn't have kids and when I was single. Its that feeling of wondering if you are worthwhile I think.
And when you are a mom, that satisfaction comes in the happiness of your children. For me when I was only a wife, it was in the paycheck and the job title and the fun things I did with my husband. As a single lady, i felt worthwhile if I had a date for the weekend or if I was cuter that so-and-so (yeah, I'm shallow like that)
I know its cliche, but there is credit to be given to at least FAKE like you know what you are doing. I know myself and I know that for me to feel to feel calm when I am not, I need to speak soft and walk slow and sometimes even just let things go. Right after the camera snapped this picture I promptly and sternly announced that this was not going to work today. I often go back to that moment and wonder if it would have been different had I taken a few deep breathes and slowed down my frustration.
My goal since then has been to just pretend I know what I am doing. Its been to look at people for who they are vs why they are being so annoying or irresponsible or.... whatever. And it really does start in the home. With my lists. I don't have to focus on the whole picture when I can't seem to keep my head above water. I just have to focus on the task on hand... like baking cookies on Tuesdays or family movie night on Fridays or bathroom cleaning on Wednesday
Well, at least that is how it goes for me. And thankfully, its been working.... most days.
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