Sunday, October 26, 2014

A lesson on love to myself

{deep breath}

Hi. My name is Makana. I am a mom of 4, wife of 1 and more often than not I find myself un-loving who I am now. 


It feel really good to put that out there. So many times
I tell others how wonderful and beautiful they are. I try to empower them. To inspire and to listen to the Spirit. More often than not, they just need a voice. They need to really hear what they already knew. Which is this: They are deserving. They are strong. They are smart and kind and irreplaceable. And that is honest to goodness the absolute truth.

With our not-so-recent move, addition of our twin girls, and trying to find my place again as a 35lbs heavier SAHM to a really wonderful man, life has taken a lot out of me. The to-do lists get longer and longer and my drive to be a better me gets dimmer and dimmer. Even writing (which I LOVE), has taken a back-seat. Actually, its not even in the car. Its more like on a train moving with bullet speed away from me. 

Just this week I was told that I am too passive. Now that is a very true statement. I tend to not cause a fuss or speak my opinions etc. I don't know if it is that I am really that passive, I think its more of one of three things: that I either don't care, can't see it making a difference, or I don't want to cause contention. Sadly, most things fall into one of those categories. 

I was also realizing that, despite Luminosity, I feel like my brain is slowly becoming mush. I came across this website, Get Your Girl Back and this article specifically. It brought to mind a few things... how my third grade teacher told me I was lousy at math. That semester in High School when my "friends" spread rumors about me. When my college track coach told me I needed to shed 20lbs. Or the time a boy I had liked and though it was returned told me he thought "he would probably be sick next week".  

Now don't get me wrong, I have had really great moments of sels-esteem boosting. I have had great parents and grandparents. A wonderful support of a few very close friends and of course my McKay. Isn't funny how some labels stick with you though? 

And so, I am taking back me. I want to feel like I have lived my life in a way that my Creator would be proud of. I am going to re-discover my love of writing, reading, photography. Of calling friends and sending birthday cards and..ahem... not complaining and speaking up. Of really loving the life I have and crossing those things off my bucket list. I want my family to love hanging out with me and have really great memories of childhood and of me as a wife and mother and sister and daughter and friend and disciple. 

not all siblings pictured


Shelby Osmond said...

You are one of the most sincere and kindest girls I know. You have a way of making people feel special and I am so grateful for you. And I feel you... I totally do. I've been where you have it takes a lot to get out of it, but you are a very motivated and inspirational girl so I know what you are doing is way beyond so many others (including me) Love you!

Marcia Hansen said...

Every women and girl needs to read your post and realize how similar we all are. It's sad but true that the negative comments stick. You are an inspiration. You always seem on top of it to me and do ten times more then anyone I know.Those are fun family pics! I'm lucky to have you in our family.

Cassidy and Daniel Stephens said...

You are simply amazing and I was telling Dan how impressed I am with you thoughtful you Are. You keep in contact with everyone and go out of your way to help someone In need. It's been so fun living by you guys!

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